8 Never Again!
by E. J. Morgan
Summary: Q-niverse AU - Q really just wanted to take a holiday and get away for a little while. Everything was wonderful - for that few hours before Sherlock Holmes arrived; unexpected and uninvited. Of course, now that he's here, he's not going away until he gets what he wants. And currently he wants his little brother's help with his investigation.
1. Chapter 1

Q had honestly just wanted to have the weekend for himself. For the first time since he had become the youngest ever Quartermaster of MI6, the 16-year-old boy decided to use his days off and actually get out of Headquarters – even out of London. He had wanted to relax by hiking, sleeping in and generally just be alone for a day or two, enjoying the quiet and peace. Was that really too much to ask for?

Well, apparently it was because peace was far from what he got: right now he was fleeing for dear life from people who wanted nothing more than to shoot him and his companion-in-crime – a crime he had nothing to do with and didn't want to have anything to do with at all! Of course, like countless other times involving the same person currently running beside him, he had no choice in the matter.

And to think that his day had started off so promising…

That morning

It was such a beautiful spring morning: sunny, warm, with birds chirping and the smell of flowers penetrating his room. Q woke up slowly and for once well-rested in the luxurious hotel he was staying in for the whole weekend. He looked at the clock on the nightstand: 8:10 AM. Wow! He could not remember ever having slept that long!

Q remained lying in the bed, enjoying the fact that he didn't have to rush anywhere like usually. He was trying to decide what to do today: he could, for example, take a walk in the nearby forest. He had read in the hotel's brochure that there was supposed to be a well somewhere and also a clearing where children played and people picnicked. He would take a sandwich, a good book and his camera…

Or he could go horseback riding, as it was a program offered by the hotel available to every guests and he liked horses very much. Hmm… difficult decision to make but still a much more pleasant one than having to make the call between blowing up a building with civil people in it or having dangerous data getting into the wrong hands…

Q decided not to dwell on it for now, and slowly got up to have a shower and get dressed. The best in a weekend-long holiday was that he didn't have to worry about missing out on anything: he didn't have to choose from the things he wanted to do while he was here; he could just find time for everything. He was good in time-management after all.


	2. Chapter 2

After having showered and pulled on his clothes (trainers, old jeans and a warm pullover) Q was walking out of the hotel's main entrance with a backpack, headed to the nearby forest to begin his day. That was when he spotted a tall, lean figure some 500 feet away, standing unnaturally still and observing him attentively. Q had the urge to turn around and run as quickly as he could but he knew he didn't stand a chance against the other. So he gave a resigned sigh and made a beeline to the direction of the waiting man, hoping to every God that ever existed to get rid of him as soon as possible and go on with his plans as if this (hopefully brief) encounter had never happened.

"What do you want?" – asked Q forgoing the pleasantries.

"Is that the way to greet your long-time-no-seen big brother?" – asked the mysterious stranger, raising an eyebrow amused.

"Yes, it is, if I didn't miss seeing said brother at all. How did you find me, anyway?" – huffed Q.

"Surely, Benedict, you didn't think I couldn't find you?" – The other looked like he found this idea absolutely hilarious.

"Don't call me that, are you crazy!? You know very well my name is classified! Only the current and the old Ms know it, nobody else!"

"Oh, yes, of course… You go by some ridiculous one-letter-name now, as it is customary with your people… Z, Y or D? Something like that…"

"It's Q!"

"Sorry, must have deleted it. Can't have unnecessary information crowding in my head, it would interfere with my work."

"Nobody else would call it work! And if I remember correctly, I was able to successfully avoid you for over two years."

"Yes, and I still haven't forgiven you for making us believe you were dead! How could you do this to us Ben- Q? Mycroft had all the Government looking for you, all over the world, before finally accepting you must really be dead for all his efforts to be fruitless." – For the first time, the stranger looked honestly sad and disappointed.

"Maybe I didn't want you to find me? Maybe I just wanted to have a normal life, without my meddling big brothers deciding everything for me and wanting to dictate my every move!?"

"So, you had to fake your death – in a horrible way at that – and flee to MI6?"

"It was the only place where I knew none of you could find me. Well, it worked for two years. Of course, Mycroft just had to decide to pay a visit to MI6 and especially Q-Branch to thank us for our services to Queen and Country. Of course, M just had to forget to warn me about it first… And of course I just had to happen to be-"

"All right, I think I get it!" – His brother cut him off because he knew Q could go on with his ranting for longer than anyone he knew, including himself. – "I remember that incident quite vividly. You must know we just wanted to raise you and be there for you after losing our parents when you were just a baby. Now I see we didn't do a very good job but you could forgive us: we aren't very socialized people ourselves."

"No kidding… I have never seen two more socially inept people in my life! Pff… But I thought you would deduce that I'm alive… well, anyway: Why are you here, Sherlock?"

"I need your help. I-"

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"I said: no!"

"You don't even know what I want to ask of you."

"It doesn't matter. Whatever it is, the answer is still a clear NO. I'm on vacation and I want to enjoy it, not get pulled into any of your shady business."

"Hey, that's not nice, I would just like to spend some time with you, like I'm told brothers usually do…"

"I don't remember you wanting to spend much time with me when I was a child."

"I already said a lot of times I was sorry for shutting you into that garden shed when you were 2 years old and wanted to come with me to a crime scene! I don't know what's so big of a deal about it anyway; Mycroft found you in just half an hour and got you out! And now I would like you to accompany me-"

"Well, but now it's me who doesn't want to spend time with you! Funny how people change…"

"I could make you."

"Just try it. I'd make sure all your current and future computers and laptops would get viruses, your phones would play embarrassing tunes every time you get a call or an SMS and the internet would be full with photoshoped compromising pictures of you in just a few hours!"

"It wouldn't matter for you because the damage would already be done, little brother. I'd just have to call Mycroft to have a word with your M about how you are his brother and how he is worried about you. He could have you pulled from your position in the blink of an eye, and nothing you do or say could change anything!"

"You wouldn't!"

"Of course I would. I'm Sherlock Holmes, I don't do pity and I don't have feelings. I am a high-functioning sociopath."

"More like a psychopath. This is blackmail!"

"Exactly."

"Just tell me then what the hell you want, and let us get it over with!"

"I would like you to come with me and help me hack the system of a laboratory doing forbidden experiments with medicine and testing them on unsuspecting patients with cooperating doctors."

"So I just hack them, get the data and then I'm free to go?"

"Yes. It shouldn't take more than a few hours."

"All right. You get two hours. Then I'm away to the forest and I don't want to see you again for a while – a very long while if it's doable.

"Agreed. I have a room in a different hotel nearby, and I have my laptop at ready there."

Q sighed resigned to his fate. "Show the way."


	3. Chapter 3

It only took around 1,5 hours for Q to hack the system and get the information Sherlock wanted. He downloaded everything to the laptop, cleared his traces, and exited the laboratory's server. He first decoded the data then swapped places with Sherlock to let him read through the gained information.

Sherlock looked positively gleeful and his happiness just grew as he proceeded with his reading.

"It's wonderful! It's all here! With that, we can find all the evidence at location in just a heartbeat!"

"Right… Well, good luck for that. I'm off to continue my holiday. Give my best to John."

"John? He's visiting his sister this weekend."

"Really, he decided to speak to her again? That's good. I guess it's Greg, then?

"Who?"

"Lestrade, Sherlock! It's time you learned his name. He's your friend."

"I don't have friends, and I wouldn't ask anything like that of him."

"Then who are you going to break in the laboratory with? You said 'we can find'?"

"Why, with YOU, of course! Who else? Do try to keep up; you're more intelligent than that."

"WHAT!? No! I told you I would only help you for maximal two hours. I have things to do, Sherlock!"

"Like taking a walk in the forest, climbing a mountain or horseback riding?"

"Exactly these things, yes! You make it sound like it's a bad thing to want to relax for a bit!"

"It is when you know there are people being basically used as guinea pigs without even knowing about it! But by all means, just go and enjoy yourself. Really, I don't know what I was expecting. I'm just going alone then."

"You can't do that! You'll get caught. There's no way you can pull this off alone."

"What do you suggest I do then? There's no one else for me to ask."

"That's not fair! Ahh… It would not take a lot of time, would it? I mean, it's Saturday. We read in their files there are only two security guards in the whole complex… We could get in, get what we want and then get out, couldn't we? I would be back by late afternoon. I guess I could still take a walk then…"

"So, is it a yes then? – Q thought Sherlock actually sounded a bit hopeful, though he couldn't be sure, not with someone emotionally so detached. – You'll still have the whole tomorrow, too."

Q finally gave in. "All right, all right… Let's go then!


	4. Chapter 4

They agreed to take a taxi to the town that was nearest to their destination and then walk up the hills to get to the labs. ("See, I even make sure you get to hike, just like you planned!" – "Oh, do shup up, Sherlock") That way nobody would see a car taking them directly to the laboratory, so people wouldn't remember them or get suspicious.

Getting into the building was fairly easy and uneventful – with Q hacking all codes and Sherlock picking all locks that were unfortunate enough to come into their way. Combined, they were unbeatable – of course, neither would ever admit to being a good team but they both knew it (very-very) deep down.

Once inside, Q put the security cameras on loop to only show the empty hallways and they promptly proceeded to the room they knew the incriminating documents would be found in. Those doctors must have thought it safer to write their findings on paper rather than type them into the computer – maybe for fear of being hacked, just like it had eventually happened now. They of course weren't subtle enough about it, and the two younger Holmes brothers could easily read between the lines in the downloaded e-mails and reports to find out where the papers were being kept.

They also knew the two weekend-guards' schedules and routes so they didn't have to fear getting caught.

They were just about to leave with the files safely tucked away in Q's backpack ("At least it's useful for something." – "Just be careful with what you put in, I've got my camera in there!") when they heard voices from just outside the door, which indicated people nearing.

"What the hell? They not supposed to come this way for another half an hour!" – exclaimed Q worriedly.

"Are you sure you downloaded the right schedule for the guards' rounds?"

"Are you insinuating I don't know what I'm doing?" – asked Q indignantly, probably a little louder than he should have, given the circumstances.

"Don't you get snappy now! They'll hear us!" – warned Sherlock, while tugging Q along with his backpack to hide behind a big desk by the wall, just out of view of anyone who might look inside. It was fortunate they were both so skinny, otherwise they would surely not have fit there. Even like this, it was very uncomfortable being squeezed into that gap. Sherlock had to bend comically, for he was really tall. Q at least had an advantage there, being as small as he was.

"They're still there. I can't understand what they're talking about, but they're definitely near…"

"Yes, and also, I think there must be more people than just two guards out there..."

"I really don't understand it. It was clear as day: two guards, taking turns with their rounds, every two hours each, beginning with the east wing heading to the west. This isn't right!" – whispered Q confused.

Just then, the door opened and five people walked in. Sherlock and Q could not see from their position but it was clear these weren't the guards. Two men were doctors in lab coats and three others (two men and a woman) had expensive suits/costume on and looked like serious business people.

All five of them stopped by the door and the three suited visitors looked around the room with keen interest. Luckily none of them shoved sign of wanting to go anywhere near the intruders' hiding place to check the desk with the computer on it; they seemed to be interested in the room in general instead. Q and Sherlock could watch them through the holes that were made in the desk for leading out different wires and cables.

As they were watching, one of the doctors turned to the inspectors: "And this my lady and gentlemen, is the office of the director of the whole institution. Doctor Mubarack has been leading our researches for over five years now, and as you all probably know, we have made great progress developing medicine during this time."

"It's very impressive indeed, Doctor Brody. I trust you can show us the rest of the building, too?"

"Of course, Miss Winters. We're going to walk through the whole laboratory with you now and you may ask as many questions as you wish. If you would all kindly follow us please… This way…" – and with that the party left the office, closing the door behind them.

Sherlock and Q released a breath they hadn't realized were holding the whole time. "Puh, that was close! Typical, we should choose the very same day to break in when they're parading around with VIP guests!"

"You do realize, little brother, that we can't get out now, don't you? Not with them walking around the whole building."

"Surely, they're going to leave soon…" – but Q didn't sound very convinced or hopeful.

"Of course, surely… But until then: do you have any suggestions what we could do to pass the time?" – Sherlock annoyingly didn't sound bothered about probably having to spend the rest of the day locked in an office, sitting in a small space behind a desk on the floor with a full-packed backpack and trying not to draw attention to themselves. Q couldn't decide whether he was annoyed about his brother's calmness with this whole ridiculous situation or amused to discover that the other obviously really didn't have anything better to do or anywhere else to be. That knowledge would be a super blackmail-material later when this nightmare will finally have ended. Until then, it was plain irritating, though.

"Well, seeing that it's all your fault we're here in the first place, it is just fair you should think of a way to keep me occupied and prevent me losing my mind because of boredom!"

"Oh, I have a few ideas…" – Sherlock was smirking and Q began wondering if he should get worried. Sherlock being mirthful usually meant trouble to any unfortunate person around him.


	5. Chapter 5

Sherlock's wonderful idea of spending time turned out to be playing 'ask your little brother as many embarrassing personal questions as possible and deduce all answers from his reactions even before he could as much as open his mouth to answer or protest'. Of course, Sherlock was quite nearly always right about everything he observed, and Q was fuming after just five minutes.

"So… there is a girl, isn't there? You blushed as soon as I asked about relationship… Wait… Oh, that's hilarious! She doesn't even know you exist, does she!? You like her – a lot. That's clear by the way your eyebrows twitch. But you are discreetly scratching your left arm which means you are disappointed about the whole thing-"

"I am not! That's not true!"

"- Oh, yes. She must be someone you see a lot and you're hoping she will realize your intentions soon… I'm afraid she is not interested, sorry. – Sherlock looked at him closely, quite obviously concentrating at something. "Aha! She's older! By what, 2-3 years? Hmm, interesting. But I think it makes sense… You have never been normal for your age, anyway-"

"Hey, look who's talking! You've never been normal for ANY age, just so you know!"

Sherlock totally ignored his outburst. "Is she a colleague? I wouldn't think so… But then you have to keep your life secret from her? Forget it, it wouldn't work anyway!" – By then Q really just wanted to hit his head on the desk. Or better yet: the wall. Too bad it probably would make too much noise.

 _32 minutes later_

"So, your biggest fear is that people won't take your work seriously enough because of your age? Hm… well, yeah, I guess, being the youngest ever… whatever you are… must do that to you. But you're nails tell me-"

"My NAILS?"

"-tell me that you shouldn't be afraid of that. God knows why but they all seem to adore you. They may regard you as a little puppy, of course…"

Would it be too conspicuous if Q strangled Sherlock right here and now? Would anyone hear it?

"The fact that you haven't even taken any days off until now and the state of your hair tell me-"

"I DON'T CARE! Just shut up!" – Q had to concentrate very hard on hissing instead of shouting.

Sherlock was absolutely glowing. "You said you didn't want to be bored! Admit it: you're not bored now!"

"No, I'm just as near to a heart-attack as you can get! Besides, it's my turn now" – Q smirked maliciously and for the first time since this madness had started, he felt something akin to real mirth. "Let's see… I observed you're sad and disappointed that John has gone to his sister's instead of coming with you here."

"That's ridiculous; if that's all you can come up with, you're even more hopeless then I've thought!" – But curiously enough Sherlock seemed to be uneasy.

"Thank you, you just confirmed my theory!" – Q, too, was positively gleaming now. "Your voice betrayed your displeasure the first time you told me about John not being available right now to help you. You also said you didn't have any friends – with spitting out the word 'friend' as if it were some particularly nasty and disgusting piece of food. You would like to have friends! You wish to have people whom you could trust and could call upon for such adventures instead of your little brother who is probably the only one who can eventually outsmart you – that's me by the way – and you wish you weren't so damn alone all the time."

"Alone is what I have, alone is-"

"What protects you. Yeah, I know, you have said that a lot. But do you really believe it?"

"Of course, I do, don't be ridiculous!"

"So, you don't… hmm… interesting. I also know…"

 _2 hours and 42 minutes later_

"So, little brother, it's a tricky one: 32x895?"

"28.640" – Came the instant answer even before Sherlock could check it on the calculator of his phone.

"That's impossible. You HAVE to be cheating! Nobody can calculate in head like that."

"Well, it would seem like someone can…"

"I don't believe you. I'm going to find out how you do it." Sherlock looked like he took it as a personal offense if his little brother turned out to be better at math than him. "5674/13?"

Q said without any hesitation: "436,461538… should I continue?"

"Pfff… no, it's quite enough."

 _1 hour and 51 minutes later_

"So, Sherlock, the next word: 'murder'"

"Let's see: assassination, homicide, manslaughter, slaying, felony… hmm… massacre. Your word is: 'geek'

"Very funny… Ok: nerd, techie, guru, buffoon and no, I absolutely refuse to say the word you want to hear!"

"Why? Does it hit close to home, brother dear?"

"Maybe I just want to be considerate to you. It's you, after all, who is mostly called that."

"Cheeky"

"Impertinent"

"Insolent"

"Bold"

 _5 hours and 23 minutes later_

Q and Sherlock didn't remember going to sleep when they suddenly bolted awake with a feeling of something being very-very wrong. The first thing Q registered was that he found himself neither at home nor in his hotel room. The first thing Sherlock noticed was that his little brother was using his arm as a pillow and that this fact, with the combined effect of sitting on the hard floor in a very small space for a long time, caused much pain.

The second thing both brothers noticed were two guards standing in the room in front their hiding place, looking down at them murderously.

One of them dangerously said: "Good morning, gentlemen."


	6. Chapter 6

Sherlock and Q blinked confused for a second but then the situation suddenly dawned on them: they must have fallen asleep and spent the entire night hiding behind the desk, and had just been discovered by the guards. As soon as they established these facts, both of them were roughly grabbed and hauled from their spot on the floor to stand upright in the middle of the office room. Sherlock opened his mouth the protest against this treatment but was immediately silenced with a sharp kick in the shin.

"You'll have time to beg and scream to your hearts' content soon enough, so better save your breath until then!" – Grumped one guard threateningly as they started to lead them out to the corridor.

"Where are we going? – Asked Q, slightly worried, while he was being shoved rather painfully out of the office.

"Intruders like yourselves are dealt with in a very peculiar way." – Came the malicious reply to which the Holmes brothers exchanged frightened glances. The excited smirk on the faces of the two men didn't promise anything good.

They were dragged along a dimly lit, underground passageway that – they knew from the previously downloaded blueprints – led to the chambers where the involved doctors executed their most secret and vicious tests.

"You are going to be very useful to our cause. You'll do great service to mankind!" – taunted the guard that was pushing Q before him.

"Sherlock, this is all your fault! I just wanted to have a holiday for once; is that really too much to ask for!?" – Lamented the youngest Holmes brother, pouting.

"Don't you dare suggest it is all my fault! You have been here with me all the time and also: it was you who didn't gather all the necessary information in the first place! And you fell asleep instead of being on guard!"

"Oh, and YOU didn't fell asleep, yes? I take it, you just lost consciousness then or maybe just rested your eyes for a few hours?"

"Oh, do shut up, little brother, you're embarrassing me!"

"You shut up! You are the most obnoxious, abominable, insufferable, detest-"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" – shouted one of the guards but it was already too late: Sherlock and Q, taking the opportunity while their captors were distracted by their banter, both jumped to action at the same time. Sherlock hit his capturer in the face then kicked him in the groin area - repeatedly. Q elbowed his captor in the stomach then shoved him hard into the wall. Both men fell over unconscious.

"Good job, big brother."

"Yeah, you're not entirely hopeless yourself either after all. Who would have thought?"

"Let's get the hell out of here and alert the police. At least we got the evidence!" – assured Q, indicating his backpack still clutched in his hand. The guards didn't think it important enough to take it away from him. Or maybe they thought the sadist doctors could take care of that, too.

"I'll call Lestrade and Mycroft as soon as we're out." – promised Sherlock as they were running through the halls of the complex (thankfully still remembering the outline of the edifice). They had to move quickly, for their little scene had alerted others in the building, therefore they were now all chasing after them, pointing loaded pistols into their general direction. ("How have they even found weapons that quickly?")

So, that's how they got to be running for their lives instead of Q enjoying some down-time and relaxing horseback riding in the forest or swimming in the hotel pool as was his original plan.

 _Presently_

Sherlock and Q ran out of the building and hurried down the way they had come the day before – under much more relaxed circumstances of course.

Soon, they managed to get far enough not to have to fear getting shot anymore and it seemed like their pursuers had given up on them, too. As soon as they felt safe enough to stop for breath, Sherlock made the mentioned calls.

Lestrade appeared in a little while with a team and they both had to tell the story what felt like a hundred times over and over again to different officers. While their statements were being taken, Lestrade listened in and examined the documents in Q's backpack. It all took a lot of time and the Holmes brothers were very exhausted and irked afterwards. The sun was actually already starting to set when the police finally declared that they had gathered enough evidence and reported that a different team had stormed the laboratory and confiscated everything found there. The culprits had of course fled before the authorities arrived but nobody had any doubt that they would be found eventually.

When they were finally let go and after they had politely (well, in Q's case politely anyway… Sherlock just snorted) turned down Lestrade's kind offer of giving them a lift in a police car, Sherlock turned to Q: "So, little brother, what are you going to do now that our adventure is regrettably over?"

"Regrettably? If that's your idea of fun then you're even more of a lunatic than I had originally thought, Sherlock! I'm going home as – thanks to you – my holiday is nearly over anyway! Tomorrow I'll have to be back at work." – Huffed Q angrily, strolling down the hill and preparing to call a cab to take him back to the hotel to gather his belongings.

"Why, don't tell me you didn't enjoy it!? At least it wasn't a boring time! And we did the world a favor!" – Sherlock shouted after him but was left standing there alone as Q disappeared into the town.

As soon as he accepted the fact that Q had indeed left him standing there, he took out his phone and started typing an SMS with an almost evil smirk on his face.

\- Mission accomplished. You owe me 20 pounds! _SH_

\- Don't tell me you really managed to spend an entire weekend with our baby brother without fighting and getting into trouble!? _MH_

\- Well, I did spend the entire weekend with him. _SH_

\- And what about the other part of the bet? _MH_

\- I spent the entire weekend with him… _SH_

\- And…? _MH_

\- And that's it. _SH_

\- Oh, dear, I'm sure I don't even want to know. Also, I'm sure I'm going to hear about it anyway or at least feel the wrath… _MH_

 _The next day_

The following morning, Q was still feeling irritated from the happenings of the weekend and cursing Sherlock (and Mycroft because he just KNEW his older brother had to have something to do with all these!) under his breath. He had wanted so much to have some leisure time!

Silently fuming, he didn't realize that people on the street and in the metro had to jump out of his way to avoid colliding with him as he was walking to work, and were watching after him, blinking confusedly, muttering about madmen and psychopaths, and calling him some other, not so humbling attributives. Upon entering the building, he didn't even stop to get checked by security and didn't register his entrance with his card – even though it was obligatory for every MI6 workers.

On the hallway, Moneypenny was just exiting the staff's kitchenette with her morning coffee in one hand and her phone in the other, headed in the direction of M's office to begin the day. Smiling, she opened her mouth to greet the Quartermaster but the teenager bypassed her so quickly, she didn't even get to begin to utter a sound. She startled so much at that uncharacteristic behavior that she poured the coffee all over her skirt and had to dash to the nearest bathroom to try to right herself some.

A little bit farther down the corridor two women from Accounting had to particularly squash themselves to the wall to let him pass between them while a cleaning staff member accidently kicked over a pail of water in his hurry to get out of the boy's way, effectively soaking the floor.

Q didn't register any of these though and continued to Q-Branch, still thinking about ways to get back to both his brothers. Inside Q-Branch, R – who was nearing the end of her night shift – was about to give 007 his equipment for the upcoming mission. Both of them brightened upon seeing the boy be back from his long weekend and turned to him to ask about his vacation.

"Hey, Q, how was-"

"DON'T you dare say anything, Bond! I don't want to talk about it!" – And with that he disappeared into his office to aggressively dump his bag onto the couch.

Everyone stood frozen on spot. Nobody had ever seen the usually controlled and collected young Quartermaster act that way before.

"What was that about?" – Wondered Bond out loud, voicing the question on everyone's mind.

R shook her head almost sadly. "Well, he is a teenager after all… He was bound to start behaving like one sometime soon. You know: getting moody, melancholic and depressed without any reason whatsoever…"

Bond just nodded worriedly.

As if summoned, Q poked his head out of his office once more: "Oh, and just for the record: I am NEVER going on a holiday, ever again! Everyone who even suggests such a thing is going to be assigned to testing stench bombs for at least a year!" – And with that he slammed his door shut with such force that the map of the London Underground system they had hung on the wall for mission purposes fell and landed on the heads of the two unfortunate minions sitting under it at their desks.


End file.
